10th April 2013. Confessions of an adult drama queen.

“Don’t forget to love yourself.”

Soren Kierkegaard

So I have a feeling that this is going to be quite a confessional post. I’ve spent a while trying to work myself out. By a while, I mean a long time. I guess we all do it on a subconscious level – try to make sense of things, but recently I’ve made a concerted effort to try and figure out what is going on in this old head of mine. I’m aware that I’m already sounding a bit strange. I won’t blame you if you stop reading. The result: I am none the wiser.

There are things I know: I like to people please, I find it difficult to let people down. I get easily upset if something isn’t right in my personal relationships. I get angry if someone upsets a person I love (and usually hold an unspoken grudge against said someone.) I like to be in control. I like to plan. I don’t like to go with the flow, unless I know I’ll be going with the flow – I know, edging on weirdo. I realised I’m a bit of a romantic and I fall for things quickly and easily, whether they are people or ideas or books or food (especially food), you get the idea. I don’t tend to reveal much of what I feel unless I mean to. Once I start to care about something or someone, there usually isn’t much going back for me, and letting go of it becomes a long, hard process. I don’t like being given presents or being bought stuff. Yep, full blown weirdo. Don’t get me wrong, I like presents. I like stuff. But I don’t like the actual ‘being given’ part of these things (unless from my parents, they are allowed.)

There are things I don’t know: Why I instinctively mother nearly, almost everyone – even my own mother. Why sometimes I think so far ahead that I stress myself out. Why I only enjoy eating custard cold. Why I mentally attempt to cover all bases of possibility. I mean, that’s the reason I carry the world in my handbag. Antihistamines? Hand cream? A plaster? Yep I got it; I’ve got all of the things. Why I can handle a 2 hour train journey, but a 2 hour car journey feels like time never moves. Why I have days where I feel so out of my depth- which is silly, because I have every day covered: my handbag is stocked with everything, remember? Why, sometimes, if something goes wrong, it can feel like the world has imploded, even though the world is fine and I can usually be found cocooning in my duvet, feeling sorry for myself. Eventually, I wonder why I spend time thinking about these things and trying to work myself out – I can only ever really be what I’m going to be, correct? And I think perhaps the trick to figuring out some of the things I don’t know, is just accepting and embracing them. Maybe even loving them.

This was quite an honest post for me, and it was not easy to write. There are things I have not written about; they are more for my thoughts only. I think I am more comfortable having people who know me well read this. But to you strangers who stuck with me through that episode of rhetorical verbal diarrhea, I assure you I am (usually) sane and well.

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17th March 2013

“The eye is the lamp of the body and if the eyes are not good then you have no light in your body. If your eyes are bad then you have darkness redeeming. There are so many things we ignore in life: the truth; the uncomfortable truth. And this song is to remind you no matter how hard it is to see the truth or to be true to somebody, you’ve got to get over it. Get over your shadows. Show love. Spread love. Make love. You know, see love. And live in life everyday waking up, greeting nature, everything about our existence. Listen up.”

Nneka, Lost Souls Live (2009)

This is the intro to a song sung and written by Nneka, a Nigerian-German artist I discovered on a random playlist on Spotify. This part of her song is spoken, but it really resonated with me. Her words and descriptions are emotive, and the song itself is beautiful. Give it a google, and have a listen.

2nd January 2013 – and turning 20

“People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centred;

Forgive them anyway.  

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.   

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Be successful anyway.  

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.  

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.                           

If you find serenity and happiness they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.  

The ‘good’ you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do ‘good’ anyway.  

Give the world the best you have, it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.  

You see in the final analysis, it’s between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.”

Mother Teresa

I can’t believe I’ve been alive and on this planet for two whole decades. In my mind I’m still just a little child, not the grown up the rest of the world perceives me to be. This quote is one that my Dad (being the soppy person he is) put inside in birthday card on my 18th birthday. I think that whether you believe in God or not the rest of what it written stands true. It is difficult to be this way and to be able to be so level in spite of what others may think or do, but it’s probably a good outlook to have on life. Here’s to my next 20 years (as long as no one mentions the big four-oh).

26th November 2012

“Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence  how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.”

C.S Lewis, Mere Christianity

Nine whole months: three quarters of a year, up.