16th June 2013

“I’ve got my ticket for the long way round, the one with the prettiest of views. It’s got mountains, it’s got rivers, it’s got sights to give you shivers but it sure would be prettier with you. When I’m gone, when I’m gone, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone. You’re gonna miss me by my walk, you’re gonna miss me by my talk, you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.”

Cups, Lulu and the Lampshades/ Anna Kendrick

Just a little song I’ve had in my head that was recently covered by Anna Kendrick for the film Pitch Perfect. An old teacher also did this song in school assembly with a group of the other staff before she left; it was so lovely. A lot of these lyrics hit home for me when I first listened to the song because of the changes I have coming up in my own life.

7th June 2013

“Promise me you’ll never forget me because if I thought you would, I’d never leave.” 

A. A Milne, Winnie the Pooh, The House at Pooh Corner

Recently I have had to and will have to say many goodbyes/ farewells to a lot of people who are very important to me. I won’t be forgetting any of them anytime soon; feeling really rather sad.

27th May 2013

“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.” 

Victoria Holt

This is a quote I’ve had sitting in my drafts box since April 3rd; I’ve wanted to post it up for a while but I think now is the right time to do so for me. Regrets can be the worst things ever, ever, ever so I think this is a better, more positive way to regard decisions and actions..

 

 

10th April 2013. Confessions of an adult drama queen.

“Don’t forget to love yourself.”

Soren Kierkegaard

So I have a feeling that this is going to be quite a confessional post. I’ve spent a while trying to work myself out. By a while, I mean a long time. I guess we all do it on a subconscious level – try to make sense of things, but recently I’ve made a concerted effort to try and figure out what is going on in this old head of mine. I’m aware that I’m already sounding a bit strange. I won’t blame you if you stop reading. The result: I am none the wiser.

There are things I know: I like to people please, I find it difficult to let people down. I get easily upset if something isn’t right in my personal relationships. I get angry if someone upsets a person I love (and usually hold an unspoken grudge against said someone.) I like to be in control. I like to plan. I don’t like to go with the flow, unless I know I’ll be going with the flow – I know, edging on weirdo. I realised I’m a bit of a romantic and I fall for things quickly and easily, whether they are people or ideas or books or food (especially food), you get the idea. I don’t tend to reveal much of what I feel unless I mean to. Once I start to care about something or someone, there usually isn’t much going back for me, and letting go of it becomes a long, hard process. I don’t like being given presents or being bought stuff. Yep, full blown weirdo. Don’t get me wrong, I like presents. I like stuff. But I don’t like the actual ‘being given’ part of these things (unless from my parents, they are allowed.)

There are things I don’t know: Why I instinctively mother nearly, almost everyone – even my own mother. Why sometimes I think so far ahead that I stress myself out. Why I only enjoy eating custard cold. Why I mentally attempt to cover all bases of possibility. I mean, that’s the reason I carry the world in my handbag. Antihistamines? Hand cream? A plaster? Yep I got it; I’ve got all of the things. Why I can handle a 2 hour train journey, but a 2 hour car journey feels like time never moves. Why I have days where I feel so out of my depth- which is silly, because I have every day covered: my handbag is stocked with everything, remember? Why, sometimes, if something goes wrong, it can feel like the world has imploded, even though the world is fine and I can usually be found cocooning in my duvet, feeling sorry for myself. Eventually, I wonder why I spend time thinking about these things and trying to work myself out – I can only ever really be what I’m going to be, correct? And I think perhaps the trick to figuring out some of the things I don’t know, is just accepting and embracing them. Maybe even loving them.

This was quite an honest post for me, and it was not easy to write. There are things I have not written about; they are more for my thoughts only. I think I am more comfortable having people who know me well read this. But to you strangers who stuck with me through that episode of rhetorical verbal diarrhea, I assure you I am (usually) sane and well.

28th March 2013

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” 

Madeleine L’Engle

I think a sense of vulnerability it something I’ve realised a lot and often recently. When I was little, I was always protected and looked after and sheltered from the big bad world out there. You never had to fight your own battles or solve your own problems and life was easy. I feel more vulnerable now than I ever did, which is why I think I personally constantly have my guards up and my walls built – I guess I just coped with the transition of independence into ‘adulthood’ a little less well than some. You try to stop potential hurt and pain- and it doesn’t always work! Vulnerability is something that I don’t think will go away, and its something that is going to take getting used to.