10th April 2013. Confessions of an adult drama queen.

“Don’t forget to love yourself.”

Soren Kierkegaard

So I have a feeling that this is going to be quite a confessional post. I’ve spent a while trying to work myself out. By a while, I mean a long time. I guess we all do it on a subconscious level – try to make sense of things, but recently I’ve made a concerted effort to try and figure out what is going on in this old head of mine. I’m aware that I’m already sounding a bit strange. I won’t blame you if you stop reading. The result: I am none the wiser.

There are things I know: I like to people please, I find it difficult to let people down. I get easily upset if something isn’t right in my personal relationships. I get angry if someone upsets a person I love (and usually hold an unspoken grudge against said someone.) I like to be in control. I like to plan. I don’t like to go with the flow, unless I know I’ll be going with the flow – I know, edging on weirdo. I realised I’m a bit of a romantic and I fall for things quickly and easily, whether they are people or ideas or books or food (especially food), you get the idea. I don’t tend to reveal much of what I feel unless I mean to. Once I start to care about something or someone, there usually isn’t much going back for me, and letting go of it becomes a long, hard process. I don’t like being given presents or being bought stuff. Yep, full blown weirdo. Don’t get me wrong, I like presents. I like stuff. But I don’t like the actual ‘being given’ part of these things (unless from my parents, they are allowed.)

There are things I don’t know: Why I instinctively mother nearly, almost everyone – even my own mother. Why sometimes I think so far ahead that I stress myself out. Why I only enjoy eating custard cold. Why I mentally attempt to cover all bases of possibility. I mean, that’s the reason I carry the world in my handbag. Antihistamines? Hand cream? A plaster? Yep I got it; I’ve got all of the things. Why I can handle a 2 hour train journey, but a 2 hour car journey feels like time never moves. Why I have days where I feel so out of my depth- which is silly, because I have every day covered: my handbag is stocked with everything, remember? Why, sometimes, if something goes wrong, it can feel like the world has imploded, even though the world is fine and I can usually be found cocooning in my duvet, feeling sorry for myself. Eventually, I wonder why I spend time thinking about these things and trying to work myself out – I can only ever really be what I’m going to be, correct? And I think perhaps the trick to figuring out some of the things I don’t know, is just accepting and embracing them. Maybe even loving them.

This was quite an honest post for me, and it was not easy to write. There are things I have not written about; they are more for my thoughts only. I think I am more comfortable having people who know me well read this. But to you strangers who stuck with me through that episode of rhetorical verbal diarrhea, I assure you I am (usually) sane and well.

28th March 2013

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” 

Madeleine L’Engle

I think a sense of vulnerability it something I’ve realised a lot and often recently. When I was little, I was always protected and looked after and sheltered from the big bad world out there. You never had to fight your own battles or solve your own problems and life was easy. I feel more vulnerable now than I ever did, which is why I think I personally constantly have my guards up and my walls built – I guess I just coped with the transition of independence into ‘adulthood’ a little less well than some. You try to stop potential hurt and pain- and it doesn’t always work! Vulnerability is something that I don’t think will go away, and its something that is going to take getting used to.

18th February 2013 – time.

“Oh Time! The beautifier of the dead, adorer of the ruin, comforter and only healer when the heart hath bled.”

Lord Byron

I think people underestimate how important time is. Whether you have enough time to do something, too little time and miss something, give enough time to get over something or use your time to have something, its frustratingly fascinating. We’re allocated time in the same way – by the second and the minute- but the time of each individual couldn’t be more different. I think that time has the ability to make something or destroy something.

7th October 2012

“Once bitten, twice shy.”

English idiom

This phrase isn’t technically a quote but has always intrigued me. Although I’ve heard it said and generally knew what it meant I always felt a bit unsure of using the phrase. I was doing some research for a bit of French homework and I came across the equivalent: “chat échaudé craint l’eau froide.” It is with this that I gained some clarity into the phrase. It literally translates as ‘a scalded cat fears cold water’. Have you ever felt so hurt or afraid by something that you fear that the solution will just be more painful? Then I guess there are things you can’t bear to do again because of the amount of  upset it may bring you: once bitten, twice shy.

24th June 2012

“He left you black and blue, without a word of explanation. And he took your love for granted and he left you high and dry. But you know, someday, well you’ll wonder what you see in him anyway. When that day arrives, we’ll live on Ocean Drive.”

The Lighthouse Family, Ocean Drive

Another song I have recently rediscovered and I just love the summery feel it has and the optimistic lyrics. I want to live on Ocean Drive (from how it is described, it seems like a happy place!) – so much so that a quick search on google maps revealed that there are Ocean Drives in Edinburgh, Farring (Sussex, on the English south coast) and Miami – I’ll take my pick!